I have multiple times faced the concept that witchcraft and magic were exclusively female powers, even as a purely theoretical idea, if from the black and white views from the catholic church that ruled my school and declared it of demonic origin, or some television re imagined  idea for a show. Personally I never gave it much credit as it seemed too genderized, a historical social construct, it lost even more weight as I grew up and meet more and more people that didn’t fit in the bipolar spectrum of Male-Female genders…

It does however became a lot harder to ignore when you are being pulled by arm by one as you are running from armed man who seem intent on fill you with holes and she keeps defending the two of you with apparent mere flicks of the hand…


– Yes, I happen to have reason to believe in the existence of male witches… at least one. should I call it a mage or wiz…

– Shut it, mages are street performers and wizards are fairytales! – the hard faced brunette interrupted me harshly.

– Not strictly saying, Yolanda… there have been records of this so called wizards. Merlin, for certain, possibly the Dee fellow, the big difference however, youngster, is that they didn’t posses the power. Energy didn’t course through their veins. With the proper time, knowledge and rituals any could muster some power, some more than others… Dr Dee claimed his knowledge came directly from the angels. I could claim the same, it doesn’t make it so. That is all you think you know, what you believe exists. The Coven holds the true power, we have magic woven in our beings. – Ulla was a powerful sorceress, she wasn’t young, but she was pretty beyond her years, with a bright red full head of hair, interwoven with traces of bright grey, considering the stories about the extended youth of witches I wouldn’t pretend to be able to tell her age, but the knowledge others claimed her to have was staggering enough.

– I’m sorry Ulla, I though I sensed something in the boy, I…

– Worry not my child, your abilities are still developing, they will fluctuate at times, it’s to be expected. Now let’s erase this one’s memories of this encounter and get ourselves to a safer place, the keeper of Alexia’s wants to show you something Morgana

– Oi! There will be no erasing or reshaping of my mind. – I imposed myself as I stepped backwards – Morgana said you would want to talk, I gotta say safe passage felt pretty much part of that deal!

– No one is harming you, but we can’t allow for a…

– Twenty three is plenty enough to stop being called a boy, I’m not judging any of you by age, can we get on with mutual respect? – I probably shouldn’t have interrupted the most powerful person in the room as we began discussing my rights to leave this place with a fully functioning brain, but it had gotten to me.

– Mutual respect! Have you any idea of what a JOKE that is coming from a “man”? – I felt the insult in that word, not previously present when they were calling me boy. There was despise in her tone.

– Young man, this conversation is pointless – with a flicker of her fist she seemed to bind me to the wall behind me – you won’t remember my arguments and I won’t change my mind either way, – she pulled a fancy dagger from an unseen pocket and stepped towards me – and there’s nothing you can say that will change that.

I was petrified in place, unable to release the scream of dread that was building up in my throat, unsure if by fear or the spell. As she approached she touched the tip of the blade to my temple and uttered a phrase, the two companions in chorus. I closed my eyes expecting the worse, trying to take solace in forgetting whatever painful process was looming. And than:

– What kind of Black Magic is this!?





Lazy Song – Last Friday Night

I’m no sure… but I don’t believe there is a best suited song for right now…

I simply do not feel like doing anything…

And at the same time this just might be the problem, not feeling like leaving my bed or doing anything aint gonna make it any better…

I would so much ratter be having incredable friday nights and rocking  out with friends…

Flirting, skinny dipping, getting drunk with friends, saying stupid things out loud, tripping to the beach, playing videogames all night long, watching long night movie-marathons…



And still… Well… Here we are.



Or should I say… Here I lay.


The Huggin Takeoff

Yesterday I had a full day.

I went for a walk throught the city, met a friend and, after eating some great food, went for walk.

We ended up on the back of a restaurant, if you can call it that, and we hanged there for hours, talking and laughing and eating.

But one of the most interesting things was that I drew a bit. It’s been a while since the last time I had drawn anything simply for the fun of doing it. It may sound pretty stupid and childish of me to give such importance to a mere hour or such of drawing, but I had the dream, during most of my childhood, of growing up to become a draftsman or a comic book artist or a writer… And I must admit that I just loved it.

I had a great time, and was allowed time to drift from thought to thought, lay with my back in the grass and watch the clouds… And imagine.

When you are in a tough situation, and everything is complicated, and every action you take must be carefully planned… The best single tip and council I can share is: Stop.

Whenever you find a moment to yourself, that you can use it as you want. Stop. Put your stress down by your feet. Lay down your bags and packs… And look up. Search for a view, and if none is avaiable look up to the sky.

Close your eyes, feel the wind in your hair and give that moment to yourself. Be it as long as possible, an hour, 10 minutes or a single moment. Stop. Close your eyes and let the world BE around you.

I allowed my imagination to fly by itself and watched the clouds, wrote and drew.
And be it for whatever reason it may, I had just a great time…

Stress does comeback.

But you can always hold on to those memories of peace. And also, there’s always another moment to stop.

Im keeping that in mind, for, surprisingly, I miss drawing so very much… And I don’t want to miss anything that makes me happy that much ever again, as long as I can help it.

Enter thy of your own free will…

Welcome to Gnawnia. My Gnawnia. This is my first post. I decided to start blogging… (obviously). And so I opened this window to a land so familiar to me, but so well hidden from all the living, living-breathing beings of this outer world.

This isn’t a pretty candy land where everything ends well and no evil ever triumphs. Neither is this the land of the just, the ever-so-happy, lively hoping pink ponnies of a child’s dream.

This is a piece of me that has been kept hidden for so long.

Not designed for the faint of heart or the depressed, this is just a bit of the real world for me, the life I have, the one I carry on my back… the one that remains whenever I undress myself and let every single piece of cloth, tech and steel fall away to the cold solid ground.

I have not been abused, I have no death wish and I have no (diagnosed or medically confirmed) mental illnesses. Dont think that I believe myself to be “oh, so screwed” or that I possess the “worst life ever”. No dramas, queens or kings. I just decided that the shit in my life is big enough, constant enough for me that I could open myself with faceless strangers, unknown minds from this unending immense digital outer world.

You may be chinese. You may be swedish. You may reside in a small contry in Africa or a very obscure and unknown island in the pacific ocean. Or just maybe you might be from Brazil. I am from Brazil.

But in the internet I can be just another faceless stranger. One of you. And I believe that no matter where you are from, if you, as the majority, have not been through the worst possible case scenario, and I wont start listing them here, (no need to activate any triggers), then you’re probably just another “normal” sucker, as normal as this cacophony of absurdities can be. And therefore you have your own troubles and your own problems. And here I apologize to all the Supermans and all the Wonderwomans out there, but the real, flesh and blood people, have their own troubles to take care off.

I care and I worry about the planet. I helped poor people and those in need during most of my youth, gave computer classes to old people and children from slums and shantytowns, entertained them and listened to their problems.

But when the shit hits the fan, and your own family is in need, I am sorry to say it out loud, and I hope people believe diferently, Ghandi
and other amazing people lived their lives and gave’em to others and the greater good, to make the world a better place, but when your own are in need, and that includes your friends, family and loved ones, the rest of the planet can go green on their own, they can save the poor and help the dolfins, I wont kill any, but my mothers health will be the main event for me. My family’s integrity will come first.

Other people will worry about the global warming, but no one will came to my home and keep company to my depressed mother and sister. People in every country constantly try to develop better, more efficient and cleaner sources of energy, and that is Amazing, but tell me, honestly, how many of then can I count to bring food to my house and pay our bills when my dad is too sick to do soo?

I live my life. And thats the only one I know and am able to live.

(Yeah, wow, I’m so smart, right?)

But the thing is, when people lean on you for help, when others make you the cournerstone for their mental sanity and the one thing that keeps them going is you, saying to them everyday how much you love them, “how everything is going to be ok, they will see, and that no matter how dark things look ahead, it’s all going to be better”… Then you can never doubt. You cannot stray. You lose, or, to tell the truth, you give up your god-given-right to be sad, depressed or unhappy. You forfeit your right to call for help and complain, to call the world unfair and cry yourself to sleep at night.

Because any of those things, if ever noticed by the ones you’re holding in place, will make your whole Castle of Cards tumble, crumble and fall.


I feel alone in the dark sometimes.

A feel lonely most times.

And the darkness around me sometimes finds a crack in the walls I have carefully placed around my soul and start leaking to the inside.

And somedays, sometimes, when the night is up, the moon is shining bright up above, and the shadows around me look rather friendly, as if they were completely diferent from the threatening ones from the night before… in those nights I look up to the shinning specter in the sky and pray. I pray for gods of old and gods of new. I ask for the god of my upbringing and the gods of my ancestors. And the goddess whose face and presence I, on some nights, see and feel. I pray for my parents happiness and for their safety. I pray for my friends sanities to hold on tight.

You might think me crazy.

I might seem irrational, or nuts, or simply that I’m tapping the wrong herb.

The reality is another. I care not if you dont believe me, I couldnt care less if you think that me saying that I pray for your god and another’s at the same time is going against his, her or it’s teachings. I will say it only once so pay attention.

Simpleminded people who believe themselves to hold the absolute and only truth are not welcome in my kingdom, even if it is in ruins.

Leave now and never return!

This is not an academic discussion, and neither is this your group of crazy fanatic fantasies. This is my land. My Mind.

This is a window into my thougths, my fears and insecurities, and all who possess a strong heart and an open mind are welcome to share my in my worst thoughts, peek at my dreams and see through my eyes, listen through my ears and feel through my skin.


I welcome you all to Gnawnia. My Gnawnia. My fantasy land where my dreams and visions come very close to existence, where my experiences and my dreams overlap themselves and my worst nightmares are good reasons to run in any direction other than that.

Enter thy of your own free will.

But bring your hopes in, leave it not at the door, you might not find your way back and you just might need it later on…