Enter thy of your own free will…

Welcome to Gnawnia. My Gnawnia. This is my first post. I decided to start blogging… (obviously). And so I opened this window to a land so familiar to me, but so well hidden from all the living, living-breathing beings of this outer world.

This isn’t a pretty candy land where everything ends well and no evil ever triumphs. Neither is this the land of the just, the ever-so-happy, lively hoping pink ponnies of a child’s dream.

This is a piece of me that has been kept hidden for so long.

Not designed for the faint of heart or the depressed, this is just a bit of the real world for me, the life I have, the one I carry on my back… the one that remains whenever I undress myself and let every single piece of cloth, tech and steel fall away to the cold solid ground.

I have not been abused, I have no death wish and I have no (diagnosed or medically confirmed) mental illnesses. Dont think that I believe myself to be “oh, so screwed” or that I possess the “worst life ever”. No dramas, queens or kings. I just decided that the shit in my life is big enough, constant enough for me that I could open myself with faceless strangers, unknown minds from this unending immense digital outer world.

You may be chinese. You may be swedish. You may reside in a small contry in Africa or a very obscure and unknown island in the pacific ocean. Or just maybe you might be from Brazil. I am from Brazil.

But in the internet I can be just another faceless stranger. One of you. And I believe that no matter where you are from, if you, as the majority, have not been through the worst possible case scenario, and I wont start listing them here, (no need to activate any triggers), then you’re probably just another “normal” sucker, as normal as this cacophony of absurdities can be. And therefore you have your own troubles and your own problems. And here I apologize to all the Supermans and all the Wonderwomans out there, but the real, flesh and blood people, have their own troubles to take care off.

I care and I worry about the planet. I helped poor people and those in need during most of my youth, gave computer classes to old people and children from slums and shantytowns, entertained them and listened to their problems.

But when the shit hits the fan, and your own family is in need, I am sorry to say it out loud, and I hope people believe diferently, Ghandi
and other amazing people lived their lives and gave’em to others and the greater good, to make the world a better place, but when your own are in need, and that includes your friends, family and loved ones, the rest of the planet can go green on their own, they can save the poor and help the dolfins, I wont kill any, but my mothers health will be the main event for me. My family’s integrity will come first.

Other people will worry about the global warming, but no one will came to my home and keep company to my depressed mother and sister. People in every country constantly try to develop better, more efficient and cleaner sources of energy, and that is Amazing, but tell me, honestly, how many of then can I count to bring food to my house and pay our bills when my dad is too sick to do soo?

I live my life. And thats the only one I know and am able to live.

(Yeah, wow, I’m so smart, right?)

But the thing is, when people lean on you for help, when others make you the cournerstone for their mental sanity and the one thing that keeps them going is you, saying to them everyday how much you love them, “how everything is going to be ok, they will see, and that no matter how dark things look ahead, it’s all going to be better”… Then you can never doubt. You cannot stray. You lose, or, to tell the truth, you give up your god-given-right to be sad, depressed or unhappy. You forfeit your right to call for help and complain, to call the world unfair and cry yourself to sleep at night.

Because any of those things, if ever noticed by the ones you’re holding in place, will make your whole Castle of Cards tumble, crumble and fall.

***********************************************************************

I feel alone in the dark sometimes.

A feel lonely most times.

And the darkness around me sometimes finds a crack in the walls I have carefully placed around my soul and start leaking to the inside.

And somedays, sometimes, when the night is up, the moon is shining bright up above, and the shadows around me look rather friendly, as if they were completely diferent from the threatening ones from the night before… in those nights I look up to the shinning specter in the sky and pray. I pray for gods of old and gods of new. I ask for the god of my upbringing and the gods of my ancestors. And the goddess whose face and presence I, on some nights, see and feel. I pray for my parents happiness and for their safety. I pray for my friends sanities to hold on tight.

You might think me crazy.

I might seem irrational, or nuts, or simply that I’m tapping the wrong herb.

The reality is another. I care not if you dont believe me, I couldnt care less if you think that me saying that I pray for your god and another’s at the same time is going against his, her or it’s teachings. I will say it only once so pay attention.

Simpleminded people who believe themselves to hold the absolute and only truth are not welcome in my kingdom, even if it is in ruins.

Leave now and never return!

This is not an academic discussion, and neither is this your group of crazy fanatic fantasies. This is my land. My Mind.

This is a window into my thougths, my fears and insecurities, and all who possess a strong heart and an open mind are welcome to share my in my worst thoughts, peek at my dreams and see through my eyes, listen through my ears and feel through my skin.

***********************************************************************

I welcome you all to Gnawnia. My Gnawnia. My fantasy land where my dreams and visions come very close to existence, where my experiences and my dreams overlap themselves and my worst nightmares are good reasons to run in any direction other than that.

Enter thy of your own free will.

But bring your hopes in, leave it not at the door, you might not find your way back and you just might need it later on…

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About Huginn
I'm on my twenties, I live in Brazil and enjoy playing video games, board games and Role Playing Games. I'm what some consider a nerd, or a geek, but at the same time not your traditional preconception of a geek. No glasses, play sports, but I like science and geography, I like to read and love to travel and to make up stories about places and and times. I am no genius, but there are definitely a load of stupidity going around.

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